"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

I have wanted to update for quite some time now, but I lack anything significant to say.  So here's a few pictures.  More to come later, I suppose.

Tommygun!

Halloween!

Hegs.

I'm not sure how to introduce this post, but in saying so, I have simultaneously stated, confronted, and dealt with the problem all in one fell swoop.

It's difficult to exactly describe how I feel right now.  It was a good night last night, by all measures. I wasn't bored, lonely, sick, cold, tired, nor any of those things that usually afflict me while working at night.  Yet, in spite of the fact, I am now sitting here experiencing a mood that I would call melancholy at best, abject depression and resignation at worst.

Typically my depressioin is accompanied by anger.  A bitter, scathing emotion that seems to define so many of my interactions with the rest of the world; but this time, I find it distinctively and palpably absent.  No, I have no firely words to spew at those who may or may not have caused my ire and (self-) loathing.  Instead, in its place, I have only a vague weariness touched by the faintest whimpering of despair.

Why do we feel the way we feel and, consequently, do the things we do?  At exactly what point do we cross that narrow yet unimaginably deep precipice that marks the border between friendship, comraderie, affability and, I daresay love; when do we take our first timid step or bold flying leap into the territory of animosity, hatred and enmity?  I don't know how many relationships of mine, be they casual or intimate, have been spoiled by a simple misstep over that bottomless gorge, caused only by a slight misperception, a vagrant emotion, or perhaps a simple misunderstanding.

I bemoan my own stupidity and ineptitude in social interaction, though I can't afford to pity myself - I find I try to do that too much as it is.  I can not understand how I can get along with my brother, to offer one example, so well, so outstandingly well, and yet something so piecemeal as a single word spoken without forethought or a disagreement on something mundane can cleave us apart to the point at which, when I step back and exhale the breath that moments before fueled bitter and venomous insult, I am aghast at the things that I have sworn, at the people I've cursed.

The same goes for ... just about any other manner of interaction with people.

Afterward, the demons of loathing, depression, spite, and their ilk set in.  I become immeasurably depressed, to the point of wishing death upon myself and others.

Driving home from work today, I nearly killed myself on my bike.  I don't know if it was recklessness or some small measure of anger working its way into my mind, but I came close to being obliterated by a semi on the highway, traveling at 80 miles per hour.  I have no doubt that, had my wheels slid on the wet roads a fraction further, I would have gone down immediately in front of the truck, and been crushed between it, the road, and my own motorcycle.  I doubt that my body would have been much to look at - if one found the courage or depravity to do so - after the incident.  Or, perhaps, I would have missed slightly, and found myself lying on the side of the road as I watched my blood drain out of my body, left to wonder in my final moments if I was just in my treatment of all of those who have done so much for me. I feel certain that, as I were to lie in an ever-expanding pool of my own lifeblood, as long as I maintained consciousness, I would probably be crying for all that I have perpetrated that was vile, heartless, and pointless.

It would kill me, as surely as every inch of ground gained by the red pool, to know that my departing words to those whom I love and respect were filled with as much spite.


I am going to resign myself to reading until I sleep.

I am tired.

Really tired.  I can barely move my arms.

Yeah, I've begun my workouts with the kettlebell.  I can barely hold my arms up to the keyboard and type right now.  I am surprised that I feel it so much in my arms.  They're like dead weight right now.

Beyond that ... hmm.  It's been fairly uneventful lately.  I managed to somehow screw up my bike ... so I guess I'm going to take it into the shop and have them look at it.... I have to do my 10,000 mile maintenance on it, anyway, so I suppose it's good timing... though I really don't feel like having to ride with Anndrea for a week or more.  I really hope it won't be that long.  Or maybe I can ride with Jamie...

Meh.  I'm lisetning to Voltaire right now, specifically "Crusade".  It's a really good song.

Bleh.. I'll update again when.. I have the gumption to do so.

It's Monday, and I'm awake.

That much is certain.

I had half of an angry post written up, but it just sat there for a day or so, stewing.  I was in a really bad mood.  This morning, though, when I woke up and had a look at what I'd written... I decided that it had to go.  I have plenty of angry posts.  I don't need another one and, well, I'm not really feeling angry right now. Mildly frustrated at best; but not really angry. 



So!  Yes.  Work last night was ... different.  But at about 5:30, I pretty much hit a brick wall. I was *so* tired. I don't know why.  I was feeling fine for the rest of the night, but after I hit the wall, the only thing I could think about was sleep. Shoulda made some coffee or something, because I feel guilty and/or like a real asshole running off without saying hello to Tuttle in the morning.  Especially after leaving muster to her... surprise!

*sigh*

Back down to the c-list for Burn.

Ugh.  I think pizza sounds good today.

It's Saturday.

It's been a while since I updated, heh.  My sincere apologies.

I just woke up at 11:00 after having gone to sleep at 4:30... after not sleeping for a day.  Hmm.  That's barely 6 hours of sleep.  I had better not be becoming an insomniac!  That would... upset me.  I love dreams.  I love sleeping.  But I also hate sleeping.  So... while being an insomniac would be good in some ways.... well, I don't really like what I feel like when I haven't slept for a long time.

Tuttle, I blame you!

Speaking of Tuttle, last night was Black Monday.  Sadly, we're all pretty much broke, so all we could muster was eating at Roma's Pizza (never a bad thing) and then playing miniature golf.  I love miniature golf.  I also love the S&M cave.  Hehehehe... yes, that makes me laugh a lot.  Despite not drinking at all for Black Monday (a first), it was quite a lot of fun.  And I got to hang out with Tuttle.  Also a lot of fun.  Oh, and we had a new addition to the Black Monday crew - I don't know if he intends on regularly attending, but it'd be cool if he did.  We'll call him... Shinister.  Yes, Shinister has joined the crew... though I don't know if you can say you've officially joined the crew until you've spent a whole night lounging on couches, getting drunk, and playing poker and/or trivia.

RIP Stool Pigeons. We'll remember you in our dreams.

*sigh*

* Burninate pours a forty for a lost shipmate.

I think that's all I've got for now.  Stay tuned.